1. Football is an all-weather sport
Come rain, hail or slush, the players are on the field and the game goes on.
Cricketers will moan about the weather and difficult playing conditions – heat, humidity, dew, bad light, wet outfield, cover for the wicket, sawdust for footmarks… #$%@^& pansies!
2. Time factor
In football, it takes 90 minutes to decide a winner (ok, a few minutes more in some cases). In cricket, purists believe it takes 5 days of about 6 hours each (30 long-drawn hours) to choose between two teams. And often, even that is insufficient… Guess that’s why it’s called a test. A test of your patience.
3. Refs vs Umps
Football referees are dudes. They run more than players – averaging 12 km per match, including 120 sprints from 20 to 50 meters. They have to decide on fouls, penalties, yellow cards… all this while running and trying not to get between players or obstructing the field. Despite this, they get 99% decisions right.
Cricket umpires are slobs. They just stand in one place for the whole time. Once in a match the ball might come his way and he’ll have to move. Still, he’ll make a big deal of it, as if he’s part of a kabuki troupe. As if one umpire wasn’t enough, they have two on the field! If one can’t decide, he’ll ask the other umpire. Then they’ll chat for a while. Then they’ll ask a ‘third’ umpire. They’ll go over the whole affair like aunties at a kitty party. And then they’ll get it wrong…
4. Football vs Food ball
Cricketers think they’re on a bloody picnic. There’s drinks, tea, lunch, evening tea… on top of that they want sips of water, juice and Gatorade whether on the pitch or the boundary line. You want free F&B, go book a Rajdhani train ticket on IRCTC!
5. Football is for purists, Cricket is for capitalists
Football is two 45 min halves of pure unadulterated sport. In cricket, there are commercial breaks after every over, wicket, four, six, century, injury or interruption. They don’t even spare the live action with branded windows, pop-ups and supers. It’s like watching local cable TV. Everything from the jersey, cap, helmet, pads, bat and boundary line is for sale. Sometimes, even the players themselves…
6. Cricket is a spectator sport
Only 1 guy runs at any given point of time, while everybody else just watches him – either it’s the bowler, batsman or fielder. In football, everybody’s running after the ball. The only spectators are outside the field…
7. Clichés
Cricket commentary is the most predictable thing in the world. It’s like someone reading Wren & Martin. This is how the average match sounds. ‘Just get the feeling, something is about to happen. He’s a sweet timer of the ball. Flashed, and flashed hard. It went like a tracer bullet. Races away to the boundary. That’s what the doctor ordered. Odd ball keeping low. He’s rapped on the pads. Shout for a leg before. This could be trouble here. And he’s given him. Up goes the finger. Played with soft hands. Edged, and taken. Catches win matches. That’s half the battle won. It’s gone down to the wire. At the end of the day, cricket has won.” It sounds a lot worse in Hindi, especially the alliterations – Atapattu atpata gaye, Tendulkar tenduwe ki furti se ball ki ore lapke…
8. Screw technology
From the time football was invented, there’s been very little change in the sport. The fact that cricket needs so much technological innovation (Hotspot, Hawkeye, Snickometer, Super Slow Mo, Rev Meter, DRS, On field Mic) means the sport was quite f****d up to begin with. In football– right or wrong, you decide on the spot and just get on with the game. In cricket there are endless replays for the smallest of decisions. It’s like watching an Ekta Kapoor Saas Bahu serial – ‘Tu out hai… out hai… out hai…’
9. Duckworth-Lewis
They’re in the same league as Thomson & Thompson or Laurel and Hardy. These jokers devised a complicated, absurd formula for rain-interrupted matches that forces cricketers to become math wizards. Most of them dropped out of studies. No wonder they get confused and need regular updates on scraps of paper. Now imagine, if you were to apply the formula to football… ‘Costa Rica needs ½ a goal in 2 minutes, if a player is not sent off the field, with no further interruptions.’
10. No Ravi Shastri!
Or Siddhu paji, Harsha Bhogle, or any of the hosts, experts and bimbos on TV required to oomph up the sport – more proof that it’s not sexy enough.
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